April Absence – Goal Achieved!

Hello Everyone,

April is over and I can now get back on this – my goal for April was to truly cut down on my use of social media and my reliance on technology and, to really commit, I decided to go one whole month without posting on the blog or even using the WordPress reader, just as a personal experiment.

So, let me fill you in on how my experience went…

April truly was a rollercoaster for me. I worked incredibly hard on personal development during the month and I went to some very dark lows, but came out with some lovely highs. I had a bit of a breakdown – nothing too serious at all, but just a week of feeling lower than low and unable to get myself out of it. After that low point I decided that I needed to get even more proactive than I have been about my mental health (and boy have I been proactive!!!!) and I signed up for a Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction Course. I was terrified; because even though I have been practicing mindfulness for over 9 years, I felt like I wouldn’t be good enough for it.

Feeling not good enough is a recurring theme for me. Thinking about not being good enough for the mindfulness course made me confront some of the beliefs I’d constructed about my self and my sense of worth, which made for some interesting personal work. My therapist is saying that she feels as though I’ve turned a huge corner as a result of this work and that I’ve really committed to my goal of loving and understanding myself. To get back to my course, I’m 3 weeks into it and I’m feeling more optimistic and more in control of my thoughts and emotions than I have done in a very long time.

Being off of WordPress was interesting. I have been trying to get out of the frame of mind that social media and technology in general is important. I want to experience life for what it is instead of having to share things all of the time. I didn’t want to be sitting in front of a computer posting on my blog about my life when the whole point of a digital detox, for me anyways, was to see the ridiculousness in how our society has developed an innate need to like and share and post. To continuing posting on the blog was hypocritical in my mind and I decided to stay off of it for the month. I really do enjoy posting here; writing and sharing snippets about my life, but it does completely go against what I wanted to do – and that is to come off of these sites that are all about sharing every little detail. I know my blog isn’t exactly a hugely popular one – I’ve got about 200 followers I think, and I don’t for a second think that I will ever be (nor do I ever want to be) up there with the likes of Zoella etc. However, I did miss writing when I was away from it.

I thought a lot about what I want this blog to achieve for me. I had started out with the hope of sharing things about being happy and positive, yet I feel like a total imposter when being happy and positive is something that I struggle with a lot of the time. I considered changing it up to a photography blog, but I don’t have the equipment or the talent for such a thing. I considered reverting back to a book blog but I remembered how impersonal that felt for me before and decided against it. I have considered deleting the blog completely and committing to my journey of detaching from social media, but I think there’s a part of me invested in this to some degree and so I can’t see myself doing that… I’ve always stated that this blog is more for me than for anyone else. And even with my anonymity I am able to share things without caring about likes and follows. I’m not here for any personal gain other than to express myself in a way that is unique to, and comfortable for, me. So, I’ve decided to keep my blog going, even though I am a little unsure about what it is I’ll be doing with it at the moment!

In a sense I’ve been doing that with my entire life. I’ve stopped and taken stock. I’ve assessed where I’m at vs where I want to be. I’ve thought about my career options… am I happy in my current position? No. Can I see myself doing this job for the rest of my life? No. Can I imagine myself doing something different? Sometimes not… I did consider switching my career entirely to something like Midwifery… but I don’t know if I have the funding available for another college course.  Am I doing what I love? No.

That question was at the fore of my mind this month – am I doing what I love… It made me stop and consider what I love. What is it that makes me tick? Where am I when I am happiest? Who am I with when I am happiest? What am I doing when I’m happiest? And how can I transfer all of these things into a career that will be one that I love?!

What is it that makes me tick? I love helping people. I love listening to others and helping them to talk through their feelings and emotions. I love things that are new, novel, and exciting. I love creative projects… am I doing all of these in my daily job? No… So I need to find a way to get more of this in my life!

Anyway, I am welcoming May with a really warm smile! I’ve only one month left in work and I am determined to send one particular email that has been giving me a lot of anxious feelings… one where I’m going to stand up for myself and make a request that may not be well received at all but one that will show that I’m not being walked all over either! I am going to Ed Sheeran at the weekend and am really looking forward to spending some fun times with friends! Himself has just over a month until he’s home so the countdown will be well and truly on!

Have a wonderful month my friends!

Sending love,